Louboutin = LOVE

This Website is MAKING. MY. WEEK.  -->  thank me when your first pair arrives.

LouboutinBox... the reason that this monday?  wasn't all that bad.

**kisses - cuz you know i love ya**

Dear Megan - NO.

Let me preface this by saying that Megan Fox has a 22-INCH WAIST.  Which means that regardless of her ridiculous looking stripper-esque stilettos, absurdly androgynous make-up application and kimono-dress-done-wild... I probably shouldn't make fun of this girl.  Ever.

And yet here we are... or rather, there it is.  That...that...that hair.  It's couture I suppose, very haute couture. Fashion-forward even.  It's difficult to tell really, because from where I sit, it bears an undeniable resemblance to the timelessness that we affectionately refer to as the mullet.  So... mobile home-chic maybe?

I'm going to go ahead and say it - this is BAD.  Honestly, really, truly bad.  I'm flabbergasted really; how the mother eff did she manage to make it look like only her scalp hadn't seen shampoo in 3 weeks and yet the ends are as lusciously decadent and shiny as ever?  Seriously, how does that happen?  Did she know that she looked like was sporting a lunch lady's hairnet with the bottom cut out?  I mean, Christian Siriano was all about the androgyny and even he would have to admit that this was nothing but a Hot. Tranny. Mess.  (and I like the trannies, so this is really saying something)!

Dear Megan - almost every woman in the world would bargain obscene things in order to trade places with you for a day (minus the Brian Austin Green being your boyfriend part- he seems kind of douche-y), to have your waist, your chest, your face or your hair.  Your money and now budding superstardom wouldn't hurt either.  And while no one will ever cite you as boring or unwilling to take a risk with your appearance, please - for the love of all things high-style - do not wear your hair like this. Ever. Again.... for reals, never.  Thank you.

*kisses*

God is getting a kick of out this one.

 Listen, these aren't cool anymore.  The Big Guy? Had to of been playing a joke on us.  And to his credit, that's a long-running joke with a success rate that simply blows my mind.

There's a reason they've been nicknamed Air Christs and Jesus Walkers/Gliders/Bricks.  These are poo.  Seriously, why the fuck would you ever want to go into a public space looking like a giant, 3 pound brown brick just strapped itself to your feet?  Are you trying to look bottom heavy?  Because these will undoubtedly get the job done.  Really, don't wear these around me.  I can't control myself -- it will start as a low snicker (off topic.. but MMM SNICKERS), then progress to obvious pointing... and when I'm through with that- I will probably walk right over and genuflect in front of you, hand you a bottle of Aquafina and ask you to please turn it into a nice, smooth vino.  It's a spectacle you want to avoid, I assure you.

Also, if you currently own these and we are friends... sorry.  Someone has to tell you.  Ditch the shoes - they're dragging ya down.  Ha!

**kisses!**

Bring On The Hotness

Go On, Drool.  I tried to lick these through the screen when I saw them.  Which means that obviously... I finished my day at work, went to the gym to work out... and then drove directly to King of Prussia mall and made them mine.  I'm almost 6 feet tall in these glorious feet-huggers... and let me tell you, I kind of make a damn fine giant.  And I love it.

**kisses**

Sexy McSexLegs

Pair Number 1 - the sexy snakers I spoke of earlier.

Pair Number 2 - the ones I bought so that Pair 1 wouldn't be lonely in the shopping bag.

It's an addiction.  And somehow- pictures don't do them justice, because they are FIRE.

Shoes That Could Make Me Money

Ever seen a pair of stilettos and just thought... "I could stand on a table in those things, fully-clothed, barely moving... and some guy would still probably try to stick a dollar bill in my thong. (panties if you're not a thong-kinda lass)"  

Maybe I just think that - but I saw a pair of snake-print (faux - for all you tree-huggers out there, I'm with ya) caged, stacked stilettos a few days ago that I practically licked because they just looked like the hottest sex ever.

No joke - I'm almost 5'8" - and these things are easily 4.5" tall with a stacked, wrapped platform.  They've got a thick strap that wraps around the top of your foot and a bunch of little strappies at the bottom.  And I could literally take them off and stab someone in the leg if they pissed me off, that's how tiny and sharp this heel is.  And they're the most wonderful color of creamy tan and brown - so they blend nice with a good tan and make your legs look that much longer (see - you look taller and skinnier).

And they look good with anything.  And really, honestly - I've given it some thought -- if I was a stripper and I wore these shoes -- I would be the classiest, most bangin stripper ever (and not even because i'd probably be the only chick dancing who hasn't already had like, 3 botched c-sections... just kidding, love to all the strippers too- work the pole like there's no tomorrow girl).  I would probably try to have sex with these shoes except that there's probably some kind of weird psycho-babble name for that condition and no one wants to be the crazy girl that has sex with a shoe.  (strange, this sounds like my love for vanilla oreos - maybe i should get this checked out).

Anyways - HOTTEST. SHOE. EVER.  looks a lot like the ones in the picture at the bottom of this page where I did a different shoe post.  only snake skin.  and possibly, good for stripping.

so, obviously... i bought them.  and by the way - they look fracking hawt with my Spy Bag (which NEVER goes out of style - thanks Fendi). 

**kisses**

Holy Hell - I'm a Bag Lady.

I believe I have a problem.  I've always heard that this is the first step to admitting and acknowledging an addiction... so here I am.  I'm Ally ... and I'm a Shop-Bag-Shoe-Bikini-Rings-lingerie-o-holic.  Is there such a thing, you ask?  Why yes Virginia - there is a Santa Claus... and in my world, he lets me buy shit whenever I feel like it.  Santa and I obviously have an unhealthy relationship.

See, I'm moving this weekend to a new apartment with the boyfriend.  And in the midst of packing, I had to inevitably box up my faboosh collection of bags.  So, being the sick individual that I am, I began mentally counting them and cataloguing them as I went.  And it's... so bad that it's good. (at least in my demented mind).

I have more than 20 bags.  Chanel?  Check.  Fendi? Spy Bag all the way baby. Multiple D&Gs for each season - done and done.  Don't forget Gucci, and Coach and Louis.  And for the love of God - Target makes a cute bag dammit!

There's red and black and white and (faux) leather (thanks, Target) and enviable craftsmanship and big and small and clutches.  It's almost gross really.  I'm kind of a bag lady.  Only skinnier and cleaner and with cuter shoes. And i sort of love the endless options.

and i'm probably going to go to hell for it.  which is fine, because i'll have the best bag there.  :)

so i'm still on the hunt -- tell me your favorite bag and i'll start doing my research!

Horizontal Stripes are the Devil*

just an observation - Carm was kind enough to remind me of this point in another post and i felt like it deserved some attention.

here is my simple advice: try not to wear them.  unless you are a size two and have NO, i repeat, NO curves. diagonal stripes can be strange also - they tend to make you look more off-center than you already feel.  or like you have a really weirdly angled wedgie.  

*Acception #1: you enjoy looking like a misshapen floating pool toy or a badly beaten multi-colored zebra of some sort

**Acception #2: they are oversized, colorblock stripes, at which point, most people can get away with it.  but keep the dark stripe around the waist-area -- we all must cheat where we can!

kisses!

The Plight of the Man-dal

Let's just get this one straightened out once and for all.  If they aren't made by like, Nike or Adidas, sandals are not cute on men!  Not thongs (which takes on a whole other connotation unto itself), not those Air Jesus thingys that look like some guy with no thumbs fashioned out of the dead cow lying in his pasture out back, and holy shit, not in pink! - that last one is a true story, scouts honor, and yes - i laughed loudly enough that he probably heard me.

Really though, the last thing we want to see when you're walking towards us are your crotchety, knuckle-y, hairy, finger-like toes. (by the way, if anyone here knows why men's toes are so absurdly long and creepy, tell me, because i'm dying to know how that little piece of evolution was skipped over.)  seriously, half the time it looks like they're going to wrap themselves around my dainty little neck and strangle me in a cloud of foot-stink.

we love you boys, we do.  but we will never, ever love your feet.  (if any of the women reading this really do enjoy a good dude-foot, well that's just... EWWWW). take note, hit up the puma store and buy yourself some clean, white kicks. Stat.

Sorry, i had to get it out there!

**kisses!** 

$20 away from Sharp & Sexy

If you've got $20 laying around and an itch to spruce up your spring wardrobe - you, my dears, are in luck.  One of the greatest staple wardrobe pieces a girl can have in her closet, no matter how tall or short or lithe or round you are... is the pencil skirt.  It's a no-fail, looks good with everything, work-to-play piece that instantly makes any woman look a little sharper, a little sexier.  And I'm gonna tell you where to find em - here's the kicker - for $20 a piece.

Ever heard of the giant known as H&M (or more affectionately, my closet away from home)??  They've grown up over the last few years and have all but mastered the easy, breezy office-wear that still looks good after a few rounds at happy hour.  And they're doing it on the cheap.

H&M has some great pieces for spring, that look more expensive than they are and flatter more shapes than you might think.  But the highlight - is their expansive collection of pencil skirts.  Done in chic blends of cotton, twill and silk with a little bit of stretch, they're seemed in the right places to highlight your curves and hit just above the knee - so everyone knows you can work just as hard as you play.

All the classic colors are there - black, gray, khaki... but I've just brought em' home in kelly green and dark plum too.  These look just as good with a cute top and flats on the weekend as they do with a great little jacket and those Report Signature heels I practically made love to before (See Below: The Other Love of My Life).

So there you go ladies - my quick fashion tip for today.  Now go grab that $20 and your keys - and get sexy!

An Open Letter To The Muffin-Top

Dear Perpetrators of Muffin-Tops,

This is not a style.  It is not a statement.  Nor is it a fact of life.  It is an error in judgement, perhaps.  Or a blatant refusal to accept size and shape for what they are.  But it is definitely, not in a million years and 7,000 ridiculous fashion trends... cute.  And because I spend inordinate amounts of time doing things like Downward Dog poses, mini-triathlons and the P90X Ab Ripper thing-y (worst 16 minutes of my life), I can say this without feeling like an asshole.

Stacy & Clinton get paid the big bucks on TLC's What Not To Wear preaching this shit all the time.  I don't want that salary to go to waste... I mean, hell, I'm on here talking about it for free!  SOMEONE PAY ME FOR THIS STUFF, PLEASE!!

Anyways- pardon my digression.  What I'm saying is this -- every woman, regardless of shape or size, deserves to look good.  OWES it to herself to feel good about how she looks (no matter how you define it - so don't leave stupid comments about organic cotton or soy on here!).  You CAN find jeans that flatter and tops that don't make it look like you just ate a pound of pasta and are now carrying a 2nd trimester food baby... just look around and be open to new styles! and for the love of god- try it on before you buy it!  SIZE VARIES WITH STYLE & DESIGNER!

Spring is upon us girls - time for short, swingy dressed and frothy, sleevless blouses.  LET THE ABS HIBERNATE - they will love you for it!  And so will I!

note:  i'm not as ignorant as this post might make me appear -- but i'm honest and i learned some of these lessons the hard way too - so screw off if you don't like hearing me talk about it!  I EARNED IT!  :)

*kisses*

They Call it BLACK HALO for a Reason...

We all know that a real knockout dress can be the difference between walking in like you own the place and not caring who stares or quietly sipping your drink in a corner booth and hoping no one notices.  I prefer the first alternative.

If you're anything like me -- then you've got to go Black Halo.  They cut a dress like it's no one's business ladies.  Every friggin' celebrity in the world has been seen rocking one of these bb's; the make is fantastic, the fabric is solid and the shape is Oh. So. Fine.   You've all seen Lauren Conrad in these dresses before - and even if you hate her as much as I do, you recognize that homegirl knows how to dress.

I'm a firm believer that it's better to have a few Ah-May-Zing season-less staples in your closet than a bunch of cheap shit that you'll inevitably have to replace in a few months.  These dresses - particularly the Jackie O, the Keyhole Ruffle Sleeve, and the Jacket Dress, ooze class as much as sex appeal.

They're a bit pricier than what an average girl probably enjoys spending on a daily basis, usually between $275-375, but SO worth every penny for a piece so slick it makes the hanger in your closet look sexy just for holding it up.  And with a little bit of research, you can find them at discounted prices all over the web, on sites like ChickDowntown, Revolve Clothing, or Couture Candy.

Go on and get your halos dirty girls - it looks Sooo Good.  :)

Holy Boobage Batman!

Um, girls?  I said that I DANCED LIKE A HOOKER.  Not that I was one.  At no time during said dancing on tables, did the tatas make any appearances in exchange for monetary compensation.  No no, they're reserved for one man only, thanks.

I will admit that I have a strange fascination with bad reality television (Rock of Love, Tough Love, StupidWhinyDrunkIHave3Kids&LotsofDebtLove), mostly because I enjoy hurling insults at the morons prancing around on TV.  But noticing the level to which these lovely ladies all but frame their chesticles with dollar bills has also reminded me that I see this on a daily basis, in like, the hallway of the building I work in.  In Pennsylvania. AT THE OFFICE!!

We've all established that I'm not the warm, fuzzy voice of reassurance and touchy-feely hypothesizing about the value of our friendships (I love you all dearly, but I wouldn't want it to go to your heads or anything)... and since I've already shared my fashion rule on Muffin Tops, I'm now sharing my rule on the intricate balance of T & A.  By which I mean, pick one bitches.

If the bozungas are out for a night of fun, do mankind a favor, LOCK DOWN THE MEXICAN BORDER!  Wear pants, wear a longer skirt, wear panties for crying out loud!  And if you're choosing to bare almost all of Victoria's Secret with a teeny-tiny micromini, try not to wear a top that looks mysteriously like a bra.  

NOW - here's the crossroads.  If you're anything like me and don't give a shit what anyone thinks... you're more than welcome to tell me to go fuck myself and head out in the skankiest outfit you can wrangle up at the local 5-7-9.  And one day, a few years from now, when I'm watching you mud-wrestle some other poorly outfitted female looking for love in all the wrong places on VH1, I will raise my glass to you for not giving a shit... and then laugh at the misshaped boulders that sit where your normal-looking chest once was.  

**kisses**

The OTHER Love of My Life

(Pink & Black Report Signature heels - victoriassecret.com)

aka - Sex on A Stick, must have them, ASAP

--------------------

Dear Shoes -

I love you.  You make my calves and my butt look like I've been doing squats for the last 36 hours straight.  You help me stand above all the other mamas out there trying to get a leg up.  You keep me looking long and lean (thank you).

Now that spring is finally upon us, I am professing my love for all things spiky, platformed, and hot as hell.  In the words of one Miss Carrie Bradshaw (most. envied. shoe. collection. ever.) -- HELLO LOVER.  :)  Ladies, i don't care if you don't like walking in em' -- just put a pair on and stand in the mirror for crying out loud. If you don't automatically feel 7 times sexier than you did before you put them on, then go back to wearing your fugly Crocs (those things are NOT cute!) and for the love of God - don't start writing comments on my page about heels not being good for your health or creating a false sense of confidence.  I will be forced to auto-delete you and then laugh because it will probably annoy you that I did.

To the makers of these lovely little gems - Colin Stuart, Steve Madden, Report Signature, Carlos Santana, Dani Black, Ferragamo, Balenciaga, Chinese Laundry, D&G, Target even!  You get a gold star today- my feet are very happy because of you.

- note, Jessica Simpson doesn't count -- her shoes could be cute a newborn puppy and i still wouldn't buy them - simply because homegirl is a talentless, skanky hack.

**kisses!**